my walk... His Will...

Trust

2009-07-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Lord, I trust in You... You will make things right, I am sure... Thank you, Lord... I will wait for You, Your provision, Your decision...

Lifetime Goodbye

2009-07-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have almost burst into tears when I have uttered a "lifetime goodbye" to Lydia and James last night. I don't know whether I can cope the same feelings when I need to say it to everyone in 3 weeks time... God, help me... I know I am resisting to changes... it feels horrible!

Distraction

2009-05-30T00:11:00.001-07:00

I was at the point of making my decision to get flight tickets. Escape from all these uncertainty and uneasy feelings, with just AUD$656.50 on MAS! I thought I will be able to get my feet together and work better at home, and then a question came to my mind:

"Do you want to take hold of the situation and make your own decision?"

Stunned, but I was awaken. No, I won't be able to get it done without God's help. I trust God. Let His will be done. Let His will be done.

I shouldn't be taking hold of the situation; I shouldn't force the circumstances to get my favourable outcome. What distracts me will continue to divert my attention regardless of my physical location.

I am here for a purpose; I am here because I should be placed here.

How can I claim that it is the situation that disturbed me and dragged me away from my concentration? How can I claim that I can't focus in office while here am I, able to write my blogs regardless of where am I?

Sadly, I have closed the webpage, admitting that it is ME who is distracting me.

Seek God

2009-04-21T00:34:00.000-07:00

My church has a weekly Seek God session on Monday. It was my first attempt to go to this weird session yesterday, and guess what, it was fruitful!

Initially, I have doubt about this “weird” session. Well, still the same God, still the same me, the same brain, the same thinking, reasoning, arguing, complaining, apologizing, and praying. So how could a session at church be any more rewarding than the encountering with God at home?

Let me first explain what they (we) do at church during the seek God session.

It is an hour session, with only a purpose -- seek God. Few people come (not the whole church), each will find their own comfortable corner. The lights are off, leaving only the stage lights. My pastor (I guess) would have prepared some slides with some words, mainly from Psalms, and the slides will be displayed on set of timing, and the slide show will go for an hour in total. At the end of the session, my pastor will stand and says a prayer.

So what is the difference between seeking God at home, and at church?

I guess seeking God at home is at your own convenience, at your own comfortable zone, at your own timing. You set the time, the place, the topic, the discussion. It is all about you you you. When I go to church yesterday, I have a clear purpose in mind --I want God! I want Him, no matter what happened, no matter what is going to be stirred up from conversation, no matter what is going on with the slides, I want to meet God.

The slides will first stir up something that you did not prepare to speak to God, and from then on, your conversation with God is being led by Him. This is when the burden and worries of your day can be magically shed without your notice. I think this is because when the conversation is led by Him, the conversation will not be within the routine topics of what happened to you during the day or what sin have you committed recently. I guess some times, God has no interest in our sins, but all that He wants is only to be together with you, and to show you something that He wants to tell you. It might be something that has never came across to your mind. So if you are the one who start the conversation, how could you start something that isn’t in your mind?

In addition, I guess praying at home is so comfortable that sometimes I can just fall asleep without saying anything, hah. So well, try it if you haven’t done so!

I want to meet God!

2009-04-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

Love it when someone said "meeting God shouldn't be too hard". Well, it must be true, because God loves His people! (then how come I think it is hard?)

After reading first few chapters of brother Yun's book, I am really touched by the passion that Brother Yun has in sharing his real story about meeting the real God with people around him. I would really want to meet God too! Even though I might not be able to withstand any prosecution, I might be the most useless among all in His Kingdom, but I still want to meet God and experience God with my own eyes, with my own feelings! I don't want to read other people's testimonies. I want to experience testimony!

Yesterday I thought I should start fasting as well. Maybe when I fast I will be able to meet God like him? I want to meet God! even though I am actually a little bit afraid (or very afraid!)... But when housemate pass me the apple pie that she had made this morning, I am so confused with what my own desire! I can't stand having food on my table, I can't stand wasting food, I am afraid that I might annoy my housemate if I don't take it. Meeting God shouldn't be too hard, but even making a decision to fast is so hard for me! And tomorrow I am suppose to go to friend's house for dinner, it is his wife's birthday today, and I have already promised that I will go. I want to fast! Can mine be less difficult too?

"Breaking the Idols of Your Heart"

2009-04-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

Set 1:
· Control will always slip out of our grasp.
· Relationships will always disappoint.
· Work will leave us frustrated.
· Pleasure is always fleeting.
· Wisdom is never an adequate guide.
· Spirituality usually gives in to legalism.
· Life ends in decay and death.

Set 2:
· Control leads to surrender to God’s will.
· Relationships lead to trust in God’s love.
· Work leads to labouring for God’s kingdom
· Pleasure leads to a hunger for God’s coming.
· Wisdom leads to a humble curiosity to know God.
· Spirituality leads to embracing God’s wild heart.
· Life leads to a joyous celebration of death and resurrection.

Which set is better for you?

Perhaps you know someone who has had a brush with death and lived to tell the story. Often, after they recover, such people have a new level of appreciation of the small pleasures of life. But we don’t need such a crisis to live in this life-affirming way. We only have to take the Teacher’s (Ecclesiastes) admonitions to heart and spend a little time meditating on our death, envisioning the moment when our participation in our everyday activities will be no more. Perhaps then we will find an increased sense of happiness not only in the special moments, but even in everyday routines like washing dishes or taking out the garbage.

Every stage has its inevitable burdens and potential joys.

(Bit and pieces from "Breaking the Idols of Your Heart" / Allender;Longman;Dan B.;Tremper)

2 months 2 weeks away

2009-04-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

It's already two weeks since my last attempt to make a 3 months goals list:

Ph.D. thesis.
SIT102 and SIT105.
Piano.
Train my body in the morning, stretching and muscles training. Weak points are abdominal muscles and back muscles.
Every night sleep early and wake up even earlier.
Work in office and ignore noise. Office is warmer.
Do not care about using money.
I will apply Australia PR offshore

I am not done with Ph.D thesis. Hopefully I can get first chapter done by this sunday, and Web 2.0 chapter done by next Sunday. The rest of the chapters in subsequent weeks.

Today is the last day for SIT102 and SIT105 lectures for current intensive block. Phew!~

I didn't practise much piano, didn't memorise Pathetique of course. This has to be moved down to the list.

I did do some muscles training every day and night to prevent my backache.

I did wake up early in the morning, be at uni early in the morning, and work at office instead of the freezing cold home. I don't have issue with money, and I shall have enough for PR application when I finished my thesis.

3 months plan

2009-03-24T17:51:00.001-07:00

I want to thank God for helping me to find and shape my destiny this time during my short trip back to Malaysia. For a long while, I find it difficult to locate my strength and trust my own ability. It has greatly affects the way I can move forward.

This time back in Malaysia, I found that I love Malaysia. Seriously, I love Malaysia. There is no place like home. I don't know why people like to migrate to other countries. Even though it is true that as a Malaysian Chinese, we can never be a Bumiputera, which means we will never be able to enjoy the privilege of becoming a "true Malaysian", whereas if you migrate to a country like Australia, you will be an Australian and enjoy the same privilege as a westerner, but bear in mind, your heart is never one. It is just different. Privilege is not everything. Just like when you look for a job, salary and benefits are not the only factors which determine whether you would love the job.

No doubt I love travelling and I love capturing this world with my own eyes, but I would also love to be attached to a base, to my own country, where my family is.

The reason that I went back to Malaysia last week is for attending a Sports Science Course. This course allows participants who passed the examination to become a certified sports coach. Nine of us from Huo Yuan Jia Wushu Academy took the course. Through out the 4 days lectures, I found that there is never a moment that I fell asleep even though I was truly exhausted from the flight, from spending time with friends and family, and later on, from the rehearsals that we went through for Citrawarna, Colours of Malaysia 2009 performances. In contrast, when I am working for my own studies, I am always tired, always feeling exhausted, always feeling sleepy, and I have never shown enough concentration and commitment to my work. It shows that I am more interested in the course than my Ph.D. and that I am still having enormous enthusiasm in wushu.

So, it is time to make up my mind.

First of all, I need to be committed to finish my Ph.D. thesis. Poh Hean, please be committed to finish your thesis! While I am doing this, and at the same time working hard to lecture in IKE and making sure that my student can pass the two units, I need to apply for job as well. 3 months! Is 3 months enough? God, please help me in this too! 3 months is all that it requires to lecture at IKE, then my job is done and I am not attached to any official job in Australia. Then all that it left is my duty in BHBCC music team. But as what Matt said, I can be who I am and who God wants me to be in anywhere, regardless of my physical location. My duty is to be a blessing to others. I have been doing this, and I will continue with it. My God is the God who provides, and I am sure He will find me some where like BHBCC that I can serve. So then in 3 months time, the only things which is left is Hillsong Conference in July, and then my time in Australia is done. So I need to apply job to work in Malaysia in July, after Hillsong conference (7^th – 10^th July 2009).

I should look for a job that allows work life balance because I still want to participate in wushu activities. Instead of becoming a wushu instructor, I can develop course materials (utilizing both Ph.D. and Sports Science knowledge), and I can be a choreographer (utilizing my knowledge in music and ballet). Well, will I get the job, and the the opportunity to do so? God will provide. If I am no shaped to be a great researcher, I shouldn't keep forcing myself and struggle to become one. Now, this sounds like a perfect plan giving me the opportunity to make use and further develop my expertise. I don't like boring jobs and I don't like repetitive jobs. I know that, and I will make myself excel in things that I should.

So 3 months:

Ph.D. thesis.
SIT102 and SIT104.
Piano.
Train my body in the morning, stretching and muscles training. Weak points are abdominal muscles and back muscles.
Every night sleep early and wake up even earlier.
Work in office and ignore noise. Office is warmer.
Do not care about using money.
I will apply Australia PR offshore.

I should apply for job now, in case there isn't much job opportunity after these 3 months. If I can get a job, it will pretty much become more stable.

Alright, submit my plan to God! Please bless me Lord, bless my plan. Give me strength to move forward. Give me commitment, intelligence and determination to work according to this plan. God, your call!

Five 2009 Goals

2009-03-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

Here is my list of five year 2009 goals for tonight's life group meeting:

1. Complete my Ph.D. thesis.

2. Find a job, start a job.

3. Travel with parents. First destination: China

4. Memorised Pathetique

5. Save enough to pay down payment for my father's car (Buy a car for my father). Must earn enough to pay for instalments every month too.

Christmas Service'08 II

2008-12-11T01:24:00.001-08:00

I had my 2nd Christmas Service for the year at Hamilyn Heights Primary School Christmas Service @ Western Height Uniting Church today. The event was fantastic, over 400 primary school kids and their parents attended with overflowing enjoyment. We had a joyous celebration of the birth of Jesus (Christmas!) and the kids did an awesome job. I particularly would like to thank Pam for getting me involved in this community event.

It was great to hear postive comments from the teachers, the parents and even the kids themselves. I didn't notice what were the audiences' reaction when I played "The Unnoticed" and how did the Grade 5 and Grade 6 girls actually performed on the stage, but I am glad, truly glad. I love the girls. :)

Here are some pics of the crowd (my ministry of the day :P):

Saving

2008-09-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

Hello my dear blog, long time no see, no touch.

Kinda depress to see me owing myself AUD$2020 for things that I need to do... Well, given a wealthy income as a student, I should be able to save lots of money. Save save save! All I need is savings!

Accent-less

2008-08-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered that I need to speak accent-less English. I am pretty sure that I am slang-less, but how to speak accent-less English? Hmm... Record my own voice perhaps? XD

No more homesick

2008-07-23T20:31:00.000-07:00

Whenever I am very much engaged in church's work, I feel less homesick...

I led a small group session yesterday. I was being encouraged (or rather force... with all eyes looking at me when Pam asked "Who would like to do 10mins devotion for our next semester?" during our last session), to share my experience from Hillsong with my bible study group.

A week before this I met Pam at church during our worship team meeting. That night, AM told the rest about me writing new songs (making me feeling kind of exposed because I am more comfortable with doing work behind the scene, and I literally hid my face under in my jacket when she was doing the announcement!). After hearing that, Pam came out with an idea to get me to prepare some music which I wrote, and play it while she reads a Psalm or whatever. I suggested that I will come out with something that everyone can think about before hand, and share their thoughts during our meeting. They can even do some reflections while I play the piano. Pam continued saying we can even do some small praise and worship session, hah. So eventually I took the whole bible study session instead of 10mins devotion.

But... to my own surprise, I didn't use the piano at all during the more than an hour session yesterday. We did a "real" discussion and sharing session on God's Gift and "natural ability", and encouraged each other to develop our gifts and service Him with our gifts, which are uniquely created by Him. It was awesome to see eight girls shared their faiths and talked about their desires to help people in the community through the use of their special gifts. I was deeply encouraged and blessed from the session.

It was my first experience leading a group like this and they think it went pretty well. Pam think I shall grab more opportunity leading a group like this. :) Well, I think I prefer to be a follower, hehe. I think it is tiring to be a leader at all time, from one organization to another, from one event to another. Taking different roles allow me to consider more about others in their shoes, which is better I reckon, in experience wise.

Anyway, I will be tutoring first year student from next week onwards. I don't think I will go to that bible study group for the rest of this semester because the time clashes. Hmm.. will consider joining other Y-Pods small group which normally meet at night.

I Can Do It!

2008-07-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

So what happened to decisions I made yesterday?

I didn’t manage to reach home by 6pm. I spent time fixing my bathroom curtain, chit-chat with few people on msn, and only managed to play piano for half an hour. Then after 9pm I was taking my leisure time hooking around the Internet, actually, Facebook to be exact, just to look at friends’ photos. Such a waste of time!

What about this morning?

I reached uni at 8.30am, not 8am, and I wasn’t doing any serious work. I am just taking notes, and planning on my Web 2.0 chapter. I feel extremely difficult to kick start a chapter.

Anyway, was checking my iGoogle countdowns, 369 days till End of PhD, and 188 days till Submit thesis. It was my initial planning, to graduate by birthday next year, and to submit (at least) my first draft by 26th January 2009. So, by 27th July 2008 this Saturday, I will have a half year period to work on my thesis before submitting my first draft, which is reasonable amount of time I think. My birth date and the thought of submitting PhD thesis reminds me of Lukasz, my current PhD idol, I want to learn to be as efficient as him, as successful as him.

From this Saturday onwards, I shall not allow any relaxation time for myself.

Physical health wise, I think as long as I take enough fruits and vegetable, I will be able to withstand the pressure from working extensively. I need to reduce amount of meat and dessert.

Mental health wise, I will totally depend on God. I am very confident that He will help and guide me throughout. I was actually worried about Anita Borg that I applied a month ago, but I guess, I will have to depend entirely on God’s grace. I should not worry about things which should never belong to me, and things which will certainly be mine, right? Oh I love You Lord, You are so wonderful!

369 days till End of PhD, 188 days till Submit thesis, 4 days till serious-no-joke work. YPH, u can do it, u can do it, u can do it!!!

Pathetique

2008-07-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

I am upset. I can't play Pathetique 1st movement, my left wrist is not flexible enough, end up using too much arm strength. I will be exhausted even before half of the piece. :( I am upset with my inability... Will I be able to play it through?

Say hello to Mr. Beethoven!

An Organized Lifestyle

2008-07-21T00:39:00.001-07:00

Today, I made new decisions (I always make new decisions, haha!).

Today, I have created this blog, solely for blogging in English.

Today, I have decided that I will have 2 hrs of piano practice everynight, an hour of English self-improvement practice (grammar or vocab), another hour of reading in English.

I will go uni an hour earlier, and go home an hour later.
I didn't know what is my actual office hour (or am I pretending not to know? :P), but lets make up one, haha!
So, if my usual office hour is supposed to be 9 to 5, then from tomorrow onwards, it will be 8am to 6pm.

If I am not doing anything that night (climbing / wushu / church), then 2 hrs piano, 1 hr self-improvement, and 1 hr reading, then sleep! If I am doing something, then I will only do 1 hr reading.

Hmm.. so, I think it would be better if I can discontinue wushu, because if I go for training, I will end up reaching home at 12am. By the time I sleep, it would normally be around 1.30am. I will wake up late the next morning feeling extremely tired.

Hmm... Looks good yea? Very organized lifestyle. Let us see whether I will be able to maintain it. It will be good even if it is only for one day, haha. Looking forward to a day of organized lifestyle!